What to do when a scout comes out to you

Some of the greatest joys in my life have been the moments when friends, family members or fellow scouters have felt comfortable enough to come out to me.

I see it as a honor, in many ways, that someone would trust me with that information, and I respond accordingly: with love, support and affirmation.

But it might be easier for me, as a queer person myself, to know how to respond to a coming-out. I know what I would want to hear, and I can offer words that were helpful for me at the beginning of my process.

I realize, however, that this does not come naturally to everybody—and that’s totally okay. So today I’m sharing the best advice and resources I could find for supporting an LGBTQ+ person who has come out to you, especially in a Scouting context.

Don’t make the conversation about you

It’s really tempting to respond to a coming-out with something like, “I always knew!” But as author Telaina Eriksen advises in The New York Times Magazine, “Remember that it’s not about you.” Keep the focus on the person who has just shared something extremely personal and vulnerable with you.

Share gratitude, love and support

My favorite response to a coming out is simple and timeless: “Thank you.” You should absolutely thank this person for opening up to you and trusting you with their identity.

You can also remind this person that you still support and care for them—and none of that changes. As the LGBTQ Center at UNC puts it: “The main fear for people coming out is that their friends and family will reject them.” So it goes a long way to reassure them that you’re not going to do that.

Also, remind them that Scouting is now open to people of all gender identities and sexual orientations. In other words: Coming out will not jeopardize their ability to stay in the program.

Be mindful of privacy

Just because this person has come out to you, doesn’t mean their identity is now public knowledge.

Eriksen suggests you ask, during that first conversation, if it’s okay to share their identity with others (and who, exactly, they are comfortable sharing it with). That might mean keeping it to yourself entirely until this person has shared it on their own terms.

“Allow them the integrity to share what they want, when and how they want to,” advises the UNC center.

Be an active listener

It’s possible that the person coming out to you might have a lot to get off their chest. Let them talk freely, without interruption. “Give [them] ample opportunity to open up and share their thoughts and feelings,” advises PFLAG.

You can also ask questions, as long as they are respectful. It’s perfectly natural to wonder what this person’s new identity means, and they might appreciate you trying to understand fully.

Be mindful, however, that you’re not putting too much of an emotional burden on this person to educate you. Most answers about basic questions like terms and pronouns are a quick Google search away.

Offer help and resources

There are so many resources out there now to support LGBTQ+ youth. You could offer to bring this person to a local LGBTQ+ center or event, for example, or provide them with some online resources.

In the Scouting context, you could also point them to the LGBTQ+ Scouts and Allies Facebook group, and let them know about some of the ongoing DEI work that’s happening across the organization (or, better yet, in your council).

If this person has concerns about being out in their current Scouting unit, consider offering to help them find one that might be more accepting.

Check in and stay connected

Coming out doesn’t have to end with one conversation (and it usually doesn’t). Coming out is a process, so stay connected to this person and check in with them frequently.

Ask them how they are doing now that they are out (even partially), and continue to ask if there’s anything else you can do to support them. Being there to listen and see them through any lingering challenges can go a long way.

If you’re the one coming out…

Obviously, I could write another whole article with tips for coming out yourself (and maybe I will!) But for now, I would leave you with one fantastic resource: Scouts for Equality developed an extensive Guide to Coming Out that, while a bit outdated, still has some very valuable advice on the matter.

Additional reading

Here are the resources I drew from to create this guide:

• “If Someone Comes Out To You,” by the LGBT Center at UNC

• “How To Support A Friend Who’s Just Come Out,” in Bustle

• “Quick Tips for Supporting Your LGBTQ Kids–and YOURSELF–During the Coming-Out Process,” by PFLAG

• “How to Respond When Someone Comes Out to You,” in The New York Times Magazine

• “The Dos and Don'ts of Helping a Friend Come Out,” in Teen Vogue

• ”Guide to Coming Out for Scouts and Scouters” by Scouts for Equality

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